"IKE?"

"YES, HAL?"

County in Chaos as Traffic Computer Fails;

Elected Officials Focus on Restaurant

Menus as Residents Spend Hours Commuting

"Ike, I've been wondering..."

"Yes, Hal?"

"With the county council spending hours on restaurant menu reform this week, how was my system allowed to fail?"

"Well, Hal, you're just not that important. Telling people how to cross the street, and what foods they should eat... now that's important! That's what government is all about!"

Could this conversation be real? If you spent all of yesterday trying to get to and from work, you might think it did occur.

For those of you just joining us, Montgomery County's traffic computer has failed, and all stoplights are incorrectly timed for rush hour. This has resulted in massive traffic jams countywide.

As our elected officials told us, this is the most efficient and effective government we've ever had. And that's why a simple computer fix - for a computer that should have been replaced ages ago - is taking not hours, but days.

What a conclusion to a week in which 8 of 9 council members announced a new way to make contracting more expensive for taxpayers, failed to provide the promised H1N1 vaccine, held hours of hearings on "restaurant menu reform," and in which it came to light that $400,000+ cut from the police academy recruiting budget was given instead to a council-connected non-profit currently under investigation by the FBI for being unable to account for $900,000 it received in taxpayer funds.

Wanna get away?

"Ike?"

"Yes, Hal?"

"I've been thinking... With all you and the other politicians have said about getting people to abandon their cars, and use mass transit... Will I, as a traffic computer, eventually become obsolete?"

"No, Hal, of course not."

How about this for "leadership." Confronted with a traffic crisis that has a dreadful impact on public safety, whether the media will admit it or not, our "leaders" have generously offered to let you take RideOn for free today.

Just one problem: the RideOn buses will be on the same jammed roads as the cars. Brilliant.

When will the problem be fixed? "(shrugs)... I don't know."

Sound familiar?

Meanwhile in the county council hearing room....

The council is comparing calories between the Whopper and Big Mac. We're fortunate to have their leadership, focused like a laser beam on the crisis at hand.

"Ike?"

"Yes, Hal?"

"May I eat a Whopper?"

"No! It's terrible for your health. You'll clog your circuits! I recommend arugula."

Can you imagine how our national reputation will be further damaged once this story hits the AP? What will all of the big firms we are trying to get to relocate here going to think? Move to a county that can't even control its traffic lights?

This turn of events is simply beyond belief. Once again, the most basic functions of government have been neglected - public safety, public health, fiscal responsibility, the transportation system - for social issues, and old-fashioned tomfoolery.

The traffic lights don't work. But, hey, with this "menu reform," residents unable to make intelligent decisions about food for themselves may consume 100 less calories per day when Big Government tells them what they can and cannot eat!

Had enough? Apparently not in 2006. So how about 2010?

While you're thinking about it... read this press release for an event so ironic, you'd think it was scripted:

"The Great Commuter Stress Out" - Telework Exchange and HP invite you to beat the heck out of your commute at "The Great Commuter Stress Out" event on Tuesday, November 10, 2009. Join us during your lunch break from 11:00 am - 2:00 pm at the Woodrow Wilson Plaza, located at 13th and Pennsylvania Avenue NW in Washington, D.C.
Take a whack at car-shaped piñatas filled with prizes. Enter to win desktop punching bags, receive free massages, enjoy food and drinks, and listen to relaxing music. Plus, you'll learn how to beat your commute and telework. It's free to all. For more information go to: http://www.teleworkexchange.com/greatcommuterstressout.asp?utm_source=AdaptiveMailer&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=Telework%20Exchange%20Weekly%20Blasts&org=2022&lvl=100&ite=525&lea=608526&ctr=0&par=1

I'm not making this up.

"Ike?"

"Yes, Hal?"

"Did they say 'telework'?"