PAUL BLART:

CASINO COP

"Mommy, what's a

slot machine?"

In the grand tradition of candy cigarettes and "alcopops," Maryland is about to experience a new gateway addiction: slots marketed to children at Arundel Mills Mall.

That's not a misprint, and it is the shocking new development in the sordid dealings of Gov. Martin O'Malley & Co. with the casino industry.

You heard right. In the near future, soccer moms will be able to add one more stop when making the rounds at Hanover, MD's popular mega-mall: the casino.

"You guys have fun at Build-A-Bear, I'll be in the casino."

We heard ad nauseum that slots were needed to save the horse racing industry. Aside from the issue of why the taxpayer should pay for an increasingly abusive "sport" that few apparently wish to patronize... ...how come now the slots aren't even going to be located at the Laurel track? I can hear a cuckoo clock going off in the governor's office right now.

But then wait a minute - remember how in Baltimore, the slots are going to the crumbling industrial neighborhood soon to be developed by a major Democratic campaign contributor, and not to Pimlico. You know how these things work. A classic bait-and switch.

Slots are funding education alright! Kids are learning about slots at an early age. And everyone at the mall is about to experience the likely increase in crime slots will bring. To the family oriented mall. Is this really happening? In the liberal state of Maryland?

Sounds like the first details of the Paul Blart sequel are writing themselves. Paul Blart: Casino Cop. Look at him trying to stop a Leisure World resident speeding towards the Arundel Mills Casino!

Turn right at Abercrombie!, left at Sbarro!, and follow the magic sounds of

money, money, money!!!.

Which is what the slots scheme is all about.